What is The Walking Dead without Rick? What is Hart of Dixie without Zoey Hart? What is Breaking Bad without Walter White? What happens to me without my husband? What happens to our son?
October 19, 2006
I wrote up something about Jason today that has been on my mind. The main character in a blockbuster movie is always a famous actor. And most people watch the movie when it comes out just because they love the actor, and they assume that any movie he is associated with will be worth watching. Who cares who directed it. As far as we know, the famous actor makes the blockbusters. So this is a total metaphor for Jason and his life. He was the main character. He made this movie, our life, worth watching, worth living. The dynamics were all hinging on Jason, on his actions, on his moods. If the main character dies at the beginning of the movie, the movie flops. No one wants to watch it if the main character can’t make another appearance. Jason can’t make another appearance in this life, but he can make another appearance on earth. He is in heaven. Later we will all be on earth again. But this life has lost its main character. Without Jason, there is no husband, father, son, brother, friend, nephew or cousin. You could say that he was a part of the final destination- he escaped death twice as a child and numerous times as a young adult doing foolish things. You could think that all of his strength was spent fighting for life, and the risky behavior added up and the culmination of these overwhelming factors ended in one day of destruction. But we will walk the earth again together. God has promised us. God is the genius director of this movie of life. All things work together for good.
What is left for us, the lesser, lower-paid, unknown actors that are struggling for our careers in this life? We are alone, without the main character, without my husband and the daddy that was going to raise Caleb with me. My pastor said, “Live by faith, not by circumstance.” With all the analyzing I do, it all comes down to trusting God. I cannot be hopeless. I know that good will triumph over evil. What a great Lord we have to serve. And I need to focus on serving Him.
Jason has been gone almost seven months. And it is just as fresh. If he came home tonight, I could jump back into being his wife so fast. I would have no trouble changing my way of life, because this is not my ideal lifestyle. I don’t need to describe how wonderful it was to know Jason is here, and that we would be together every night. Knowing he was here, and knowing I was loved was the security and comfort that I need now. My circumstances now are rootless. I live between two different towns trying to make things work for Caleb, and my random existence is monotonous and unnatural. It would be the opposite of shock if I could jump straight back into my life with Jason again. If he could walk up to me and say that he is sorry for leaving so long, I could tell him that I already forgave him. I always knew that it wasn’t his fault anyway. I would throw all of my energy into making his life easier and full of devotion and love. I would cook for him, follow him, compromise anything for him, and find any creative means that I could to show him my affection. I know what it’s like to be both provider and mother to my son now.
He left for work Monday the 20th of March. It was yesterday. As far as I’m concerned he’s so fresh in my mind. When I think of him this way, and try to forget what happens next, I smile because the memory seems so close. And I’ll find him at the gates. And that sounds so unrealistic and surreal, but it will happen. It’s like saying I want to fall asleep and find myself in a dream, but it will happen. How do people ever cope with death when they don’t believe?